Uncertainty. Its a feeling I really have come to despise. Theres so much uncertainty in life and I think I suffer from it far too often to be normal. My mind wanders a lot, it seems as though I have trouble pin-pointing things that make me feel secure, and I'm constantly searching for something consistent in my life. The trouble is I have yet to find it. The only thing I can absolutely be certain about every moment of every day is that I have Boo, my precious dog and he loves me and I love him back.
Since leaving Joe to find the real me, and hopefully find amazing love, I've had trouble sleeping. Its not that I miss Joe, I may sometimes miss the idea of being married and having a big house, but the person that was attached to that lifestyle I do not miss. I don't know if my new found insomnia is after shock in my brain from picking up and leaving so fast. I made a decision and five days later I was gone. I do not in any way regret the decision I made, but I am still unclear of the real reasons of why I left. It was something I needed to do for myself, to get clarity, and cleanse myself of the rotten feelings left over from the tragedies that have happened in the past few months. No need to discuss them anymore, but I feel like I'm being taunted day in and day out.
i've been sitting on this blog for hours now, no motivation to give a conclusion because I have none, so I suppose this is goodnight.
I had to post another one (or a few) for tonight. I just found this song that I absolutely love!
Backstory: One of my favorite movies is A Love Song For Bobby Long, its filled with great references to timeless books, and captures a life that I wish I could live. So relaxed and free, it shows the dingy, raw side of romanticism.. and has a great story about finding who you are in the oddest of places.
Grayson Capps sings in New Orleans, where the film takes place, he wrote and performed six songs for the sountrack. His voice is rugged and honest, it brings out the deep igneous passion that real blues are supposed to make you feel. Some might not understand the feeling Grayson's songs give you until you see the movie. His music and the film blend so well together, they compliment each other's rawness of the bare, concrete, margin between the life we live, and the life that these people live. It strips you down, and leaves you naked and cold with only your deepest emotions to blanket you. There is nothing more real than his words, and his voice.
its been a while since I've posted anyways, so thanks Ambie for tagging me.. I needed a kick in the butt!
I'm pretty good at talking about myself, and fortunately I was blessed with some extreme randamity... so here goes.
Here are the rules: 1. Link to the person who tagged you 2. Post the rules to your blog 3. Write 6 random things about yourself 4. Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them 5. Let each person you have tagged know by leaving a comment on their blog. 6. Let the tagger know when your entry is posted
I used to wear my socks inside out because the stitching on the toe made me cry obsessively.
I have a dictionary with every word I've looked up highlighted (since 7th grade), including the words snot, sex, and masturbate. I like words :)
When I tweeze my left eyebrow it makes me sneeze.
I cringe when people continually misspell the same word, but have learned to refrain from educating them of the correct way to spell because I'm trying to be less bitchy.
My dream is to live alone on a piece of land on the side of the Interstate 10 near Kerrville, TX and do nothing but walk through the fields along the highway and listen to music everyday, and never work another day of my life.
I wish I was a character in a book instead of having to live my own life, my choices being made for me, my every move carfeully planned out by a sarcastic, abstemious homo living in a cabin in Manchester. Honestly...
Okay now that I've told you about myself... its time to tag someone else!
Wait! Everyone's been tagged already :( How about anyone that reads this has to start it up with their friends... yeah that sounds good!
My dad is making tremendous progress, but I don't think I'm doing so well.
I'm scared for him, I don't know whats going to happen in the next few months or how he'll be able to adjust to things. But atleast he's off of his ventilator, and breathing on his own.
Yesterday the nurse told me he was so stable, that they can take his heart monitor out. Thats great news! So not only is he breathing, and talking, but he is over his pneumonia, and hasn't had any heart problems. His blood pressure is doing well, and now they're working on getting him to swallow without aspirating, because they want to make sure he doesn't get pneumonia again.
Today I went to visit him, he sat up, and we talked and visited. The nurses bug him a lot, theres always someone coming into his room to check on something, be it his temperature, his lungs, or his blood pressure. The nurses are all really nice, they want to see him get better as much as I do.
I brought him a little word game to play, it has a touch screen, but I didn't realize that his tremors are getting worse, so if he hits a button once, his hand shakes so much he hits it about 20 times, so I think he may get frustrated with it, I'll pick up a black jack game for him, thats easy and entertaining.
I just got a phone call that they moved him from the hospital, to the physical rehabillitation center. Thats great news! I feel like things are moving a little too fast though, they just told me this morning they were going to discharge him later in the week, and now its the end of the day and he's already been moved. I'm proud of his progress, but I need more time to consider things and let them settle in my brain before we make a big change like that again.
I'm now looking into assisted living, for when he finishes rehab, I know he will be able to walk but I think my dad really needs someone to continue to take care of him even if its just for his mental stability. My gramma always loved the girls that came to help her at home, it brightened up her day even if she didn't need them to do anything for her. I understand its really expensive at some places, but it would definitely be worth it, and I think his medical insurance should cover some of the costs. I don't know still, I need to make time to go and check a few places out.
Thats pretty much it for now, I'm excited to see my dad get better, it was nice talking to him as grown ups and being able to help him out a little today. I hope he's able to live his life with some happines and light in it from now on, I'll take better care of him than my brother ever did, he seems to be pretty cold hearted about our dad now. But I'm not holding any grudges, and I'm not judging him anymore, we've got many things to look forward to together, and I hope my brother can get over his dueche baggery quickly so he can share this time with us.
Here is just an example of how absolutely brilliant this band is, every note, every tinge in the voice, and every emotion emulated in this song are exactly what The Cure couldn't bring forth in their original version, The Deftones just bring so much more to music than I can put into words. As monumental as The Cure is in our day... The Deftones trump ALL.
Please press play before you begin reading this blog. When I was probably about 4 or 5 years old, I was at home with my dad, and the video camera. He put together a little video of our day at home together, to this song... and since I could remember, I've always thought of it as our song.
I've written a letter to my dad in my mind. I'm scared to put the words infront of me.
When I had just finished high school I decided to start writing short stories about things that I imagined happening in the future. One of those stories was about my dad's funeral. I remember writing about seeing myself lying infront of me, because he and I have the same face. That was a depressing time for me, just like these days are now. But what I had written before was written with anger, and resentment, and hate. I regret having imagined those things to be true now.
In those dark days, I resented my dad for the things that I have been through in my life. Today, I thank him for them. He really has molded me into a strong minded, strong hearted, bold, woman. And I am proud to be his daughter, no matter how little anyone else may think of him, he is still everything to me. Because he made me this way, and I love who I am.
Its becoming harder and harder to fight back tears; as each day passes, I know its one day less that he will be here with me. I don't know how to make the decisions I have to make now, he would want me to let him go peacefully without feeling any pain, or knowing that he's about to be gone. I don't want him to leave not know all the things I've wanted to say to him in the years that have passed.
I don't care about the hate that I had for him anymore, all I care about, is letting him know that I do love him, I do honor him, and I don't look back and hurt from the things he has done, instead... I look back and I understand. I understand what he did, why he did it, and that he and I don't have to think or speak about it... ever. All we have to do, is know that it happened, and it was supposed to.
I'm unsure about how my mom feels about any of this, she seems shocked and sad, but I don't know my mom as an emotional person. My brother is sad, but his life is just starting as my father's is ending... which are you supposed to choose? He has to leave, thats the way this is all supposed to happen now, and I've been chosen to carry this weight because as much as I may have been abused and mistreated in my lifetime by this man, it was for a reason, because I am him, we are the same person... and no one else could do this but me, its what I was made to do.
I carry his face with me always, his skin, his hair, his eyes... and I never question who is staring back at me in the mirror. Who's heart is feeling hurt when I cry, and who's hands tremble infront of me when I'm scared. I carry things with me that I never really appreciated before, and I never realized how much I should honor myself for being this person.
It makes me sad to think about all of the other people in my life now, that don't appreciate what they wear on their skin. All of the chances I had to visit my dad, to console him when he was sick, or to tell him I loved him... they're gone now. No one realizes until the curtain is about to drop, that they had so many chances to show someone what they mean, and it scares me... it hurts me.
