frustration

I don’t know what I want to write about anymore. I feel like I have no feelings besides disgust and resentment. Towards myself of course. I’m not happy.

I’m not happy with the direction I’ve taken. I feel like I’ve trapped myself in a dream I had years ago. I wanted to live where happiness could never end. But it does. It ends everywhere I go. There’s that feeling of newness, and I’m always searching for it.

My friends are scarce these days. They’re growing up just as I am. Maybe I grew up too fast. I have a cushy life, a seemingly wonderful husband, a beautiful new home, loving pets, and no boundaries. But now I feel like I can’t escape, I want to feel young again. I want to be married, and still have a free life. But marriage traps you, I love having my husband and our life together. But there are things I want to explore, that I don’t feel I’m allowed to explore, and that is the world.

I want to go places, no where particular, I just want to go. I live a robotic life, and I need a break in the everyday patterns I’ve been tracing for the past year. I just want to leave, I want to go somewhere that’s unfamiliar, and explore what the other people out there do. And quickly come home and get back to my daily routine.

I sit outside and smoke my cigarettes, and I think about my dad. How much I feel like him. I wondered what he would do all this time after burning all of the bridges he’s crossed these 23 years. Now for the past five, he’s been insignificant, with nothing to do but be. I know why he drinks, I know why he sulks, I know why he obsesses. Because there’s nothing else to do.

I’m torn between the life I want to have, and the life I need to have. I want to be happily married, live in this home, have children, and be settled. But I need to be free, to roam around and discover the things I haven’t discovered yet. Small town life has blown past me, city life was a blur, and suburban life has yet to really set in yet. But I want the free open space to be my friend. I want to drive for hours and go nowhere. Look at the scenery and imagine what I’d do in every place that I pass by.

My family is torn apart, mostly because of me. My constant searching for a new thing and my want to hurry up and live has tarnished my family. My brother is grown, moving to the city to have a career and become something. My mom is happily settled into the little life she lives. My father is wasting away. And I made the crack that spread into this epidemic of what’s meant to be. I was ready for a change, after fourteen years of abuse whether it was from myself or not, I made a decision that changed me forever.

I forced my family to become broken, I forced my brother into a dreamers world, I forced my father into depression worse than I believe he had ever suffered before, and I forced my mother into the happy life she lives today. I forced myself into adulthood. Is this the universe’s way of finally making my mom’s life right? By using me as a tool, to put her on the path to a copasetic existence, and that’s just what it is. To anyone else but her of course. Its just copasetic, nothing extraordinary, nothing fragile or breakable, she has a strong, well molded life now. While I’m breaking apart into little pieces over still needing something new.

But what’s new? Nothing is new. I’ve lived it all, at least that’s how I feel. There’s one thing that I haven’t yet lived, and that’s nirvana. Self nirvana. I have never been fully satisfied.

My obsessions and compulsive patterns are wrecking my life. Walking is exhausting to my mind. I’m tired of matching steps, I’m tired of drawing patters, and I’m tired of shuffle stepping to make everything right. And I’m speaking literally here. I don’t mention my obsessive behavior much, because it drives me insane. Matching my steps to the person in front or beside me. Its never ending and I sigh now when I have to shuffle to switch my steps to match another pedestrian’s ahead of me.

I’m exhausted. My mind is constantly reminding itself of the things I’m afraid of. Mostly of food, food I can’t eat. Remember, there’s a difference between “I can’t” and “I won’t”, thats what my dad always told me. Its not that I am refusing to try, it’s that I can’t. I literally can’t even think of trying something I haven’t had before. I still feel as if my eyes will roll back into my head, my body will start rocking back and forth as I hit the floor in convulsions panicking until I’ve killed myself. And yet I still don’t get help. Because I’m scared to be able to try these things… because I won’t.

I’m exhausted just thinking about what I’ll have to avoid tomorrow, I’m exhausted from being lonely in my head. No one understands what happens inside my head, myself included. And it’s lonely up there. I just want someone to understand, and not judge the turmoil that I live everyday.

Remember Hook?!!

The guys at GoodNeighborStuff.com made this AMAZING video reminiscent of my absolute favorite scene from Hook. You know.. when the lost boys are eating invisible food, and Jack doesn't believe... if the video doesn't play check it out here

Conversations I don't like having with my mother

After my doctor's appointment today, I called my mom to tell her the good news. I can go back to work! So we chatted away about what I should do to continue getting better but still go back to work and get a decent paycheck, and a few other things I can't really remember. Then she throws me a curve ball... "be careful, Lisa.. you don't want to get pregnant".... WHAT?!!

How the heck does this pop into her mind while talking about work and being ill? Well.. according to my mother; its easier to get pregnant when you're sick. EW! I don't need to be talking about sex and having babies with my mom just yet. Granted she obviously knows I'm no virgin from some past incidents with pregnancy tests, and the fact that I'm married. But still.. why does my mom have to bring up sex with me? Really.. is that necessary?

I think my mom, like me is very curious about other people's sex lives.. even her own daughter's. Here's another example..

Three days before my wedding, was Thanksgiving. Like always we all gathered at my mom's boyfriend's house for lunch and chit chat. I was suffering from the bleeding vagina epidemic at the time and had unfortunately broken out a little. I was telling my mom about my stupid pimples, and trying to figure out how to make them disappear in three days time. My mom made this weird face and says "oh no! You're on your period right before your wedding!! What about your honeymoon?" PUHLEEEEEEASE! Mom, really, please. Don't point out the fact that I'm going to have wild barbaric sex on my honeymoon, and now I can't because of my vaginal woes.
Then I tell her "oh pshh its no big deal" and realize two seconds later I just implied to my mother that I have no problem having sex at the dirtiest time in a woman's life. Embarrassed I quickly reminded her I would be finished with my girlish troubles within a day or two, just in time for the wedding.

Oh god, If only my mom really knew... And then my brother spills to her that he and I and a few friends went to a strip club after my bachelorette party. How embarrassing first of all, but this is doubly embarrassing that my own mother, the woman that birthed me has to know that her daughter and son, together went to a strip club. Ugh.. I hope my kids aren't like me.

Things I hate

I hate my doctor. Every time he would ask me what my symptoms are, or whats wrong or not working treatment wise, and I answer him.. he thinks I'm listing off things I read on WebMD or some whack medical site. Sorry Dr. Cohen but this is real shit. Yes there really is yellow drainage coming from my ears, my snot is bright green and I already know Amoxicillin usually kicks the shit out of the virus because I've taken it at least 20 times throughout my life, but its not working this time.

I also hate people that don't use the Internet daily. The Internet and computers expand people's minds. Even if you don't do anything but watch YouTube for an hour and then check your Myspace, its still good for your brain. You can see what other people do with their time, keep up with your friends and/or family and its always nice to check GoogleNews to see whats going on in the rest of the world. I would certainly encourage my kids to go on the Internet for at least an hour everyday, it might even be one of their chores. Books aren't as accessible as the Internet is these days, so why not use it while its there in front of your fingertips?

One more thing to add to my hate list for the day: Carpets. Especially in apartment complexes and hotels. In an apartment, you have to replace the carpets at least every five years. Why deal with replacing carpets? Throw in some wood or tile floors, run a steamer or a buffer over them and they're good for a lifetime. Hotels.. how unsanitary is that?! You wouldn't think it, but people are disgusting. I've been to a few hotel parties in my day. People puke, they pee, they have sex and do many more nasty things on carpets in hotels. And then a maid runs through with an old vacuum cleaner and its done? Gross. I was at a hotel party where someone spilled meth, yes.. methamphetamine on the floor. I feel bad for the family that brought their child or pets into this hotel room after that party. If I were president or attorney general or something with a cool powerful title, I would require every apartment complex, hotel, and office building upgrade their disgusting ugly carpets to tile or wood floors. Hell, I would even fund it. This world needs to upgrade itself and its standards... my next project would be putting street signs and such in grocery stores and malls (my next complaint)

A major pet peeve of mine is when people cannot walk through a facility with the same rules they use when driving on the road. One side for one direction, watch for oncoming people traffic before you turn, know where you're going, and don't stop and look around, move out of the fucking way first.

I'm done complaining for now.